When I cried a river

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

I saw this video (which for some reason would not post as a nice playable link) over the weekend and found it so powerful.  Some of the things in it are so poignant to me and are things that I've struggled with, and I love the way it represents the Christian walk of life.

Like many people, I was in floods of tears when watching this.  

Who can catch me?

I was reminded this weekend about how hard I find it to trust people.  Can anyone be truly and completely trusted?  I don't think so, as humans are flawed beings.  Whether we like it or not, people judge each other, upset each other and disappoint.

I've also been reminded about how you can feel so let down by people.  Maybe intentionally, maybe not, people hurt you and ruin that bit of trust you were beginning to put in them.  That is something which is so hard to repair while the memories are still present.

Most of the time, I accept that I am not a trusting person.  Sure, I'll tell 'girly secrets' to people, or share who my latest crush is, but share something close to my heart, or something that upsets me? No, I can't do this easily.  Most of the time this is fine, I'm content to keep it in my head, but there are other times, like this weekend, that this begins to eat you up, and you wish you trusted enough to share.

Today

I feel pretty rubbish today. I fact, I feel about 2 feet tall. Why? Because I hate cliques and exclusive friendships. I have a group of friends, who I thought were quite good friends, and I look forward to hanging out and spending time with them. But today, I felt so far out of the group, that I may as well be elsewhere. I have recently got to know one person well and I worked to introduce her to everyone and welcome her into the group. Yet today, I found myself being pushed out and ignored. Am I just imaginaring this? No. I hate the pettiness of all of this. I hate that suddenly I am having to think about what I say: that I can't relax and be myself anymore. Clearly being myself isn't doing me any favours and seems to be losing me a lot of friends.

And worse than this clique is seeing the pity in their eyes as they talk to me: the dislike and contempt.